But there’s nowhere to hide from these bones, from my mind

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly sat at a table in the Hub, staring off into space. He'd come here with the purpose of making more headway into his book, but his concentration was so scattered, he could hardly focus on the page in front of him, let alone summon the mental energy to translate the English into Russian.

The problem was that he had a situation that he did not want to acknowledge or face, and the more he fought against it, the more it refused to go away. This thing with Lex, whatever it was, could be nothing more than friendship. There was all there was to it, and if it his brain would cooperate, all would be well.

If only it were so simple. Anatoly sighed and closed his book. No reading was going to happen today, clearly.

Comments

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

Melchior comes in to stamp the snow off his boots, quite possibly one of his favorite things about snow in winter. It's a tingly feeling, a little painful, but mostly it's a good wintery feeling, watching the snow come off in clumps. He pulls his hat off his head and shakes his curls out, glancing around for a spot to sit, when he sees Anatoly looking a little lonely. He folds his hat up in his hand and walks over, cheeks still red, and gives him a smile. "Hello. Mind if I join you?"

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly looked up, surprised. "Oh, not at all. Please, sit down." He hadn't even heard Melchior come in, so involved was he in his thoughts.

"How are you doing?" He managed a smile, there was no sense in burdening anyone else with his problems. "I haven't talked to you for awhile."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"Well, thank you," Melchior smiles, peeling his jacket off and then sliding into a chair. "What do you think of this weather?" he asks, a way to start the conversation. "It makes it feel more like Christmas."

[chesspolitik]

That got a smile out of Anatoly. "I love it. I was growing so tired of the heat and constant sunshine. This is refreshing. I hadn't realized how much I missed snow until now."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"I love the snow," he smiles. "Moritz and I have been playing like we used to years ago." He says it like he's 30 now or something; maybe in some ways he's closer to 30 than he is to 16, but not all that closer. "How have you been doing?"

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly laughed. "I came across Moritz making snow angels the other day. I was half tempted to join him. I used to love doing that, when I was younger."

At Melchior's question, he sighed and shook his head. "I've been doing all right. There's not been much to do but read and think."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"I did join him," Melchior grins, though if he recalls it was about equal parts kissing and equal parts snow-playing. "Reading and thinking are my favorite things," he replies seriously, pulling his gloves off. "Unless you are thinking about... troubling things," he replies after taking a moment to find the right word.

[chesspolitik]

"Today I am," Anatoly answered after a moment. "I don't know if troubling is the right word, perhaps it is, but it's not something that makes for an easy resolution."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

Melchior frowns slightly, inclining his head. "I am sorry. Would it help for you to talk about it? I myself was having difficult thoughts, and I found a conversation with someone else helped very much. If not, then I will be happy to distract you for a little while."

[chesspolitik]

There was a certain gravitas about Melchior that often made Anatoly forget that he was only sixteen, seventeen at the most. "I'm not sure if anything would help," Anatoly sighed. "And I don't want to burden you."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"It would not be a burden at all!" There may be a small part of Melchior who wants to know because his curiosity is overwhelming, but mostly it's because he wants to help. Really. "You could try? I have read many books on many different subjects. Perhaps I could give you a different perspective. Perhaps an older perspective," he smirks, punning on the fact that he's from a later point in history than Anatoly, "might help."

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly laughed, very much appreciating the word play. "That depends on whose perspective you're talking about," he teased gently. "Or who you're calling old."

Still, as much as he did want to talk to someone, he wasn't quite sure where to begin, let alone bring up something so...controversial.

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

Melchior laughs too and sets an arm on the table, leaning forward. "Really, it might help. Do you know Mohinder Suresh? I talked to him a while ago -- though really it was more I rambled to him about my feelings for Moritz, but with his help I came to understand them better. Now Moritz and I are dating and we could not be happier." That isn't all that true, but for the most part, things are good between them.

[chesspolitik]

He caught a breath and looked away, Melchior's casual mention of himself and Moritz together striking at the very heart of his dilemma. "I don't know him, I'm afraid," he said, as he tried to recover his equilibrium. "Though I have heard the name. I did not realize that you and Moritz were -- together."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

He raises an eyebrow at Anatoly's reaction, but he otherwise acts like he doesn't think anything of it. "Oh yes. I suppose you would call us boyfriends. That is not the term we used back home, but it seems to be the right one here."

After a beat, Melchior approaches Anatoly's reaction. "Are you opposed to two men being together? Or are you just surprised? At home it would have been unacceptable. I am just curious as to your beliefs. I will not be offended." Which is half true and half not; he would be offended, but he would direct his anger toward Anatoly's society. It is not Anatoly's fault, and anyway, Melchior can try to reeducate him.

[chesspolitik]

He shook his head. "At home, it was not considered acceptable either. No, I am not opposed, how could I be? Freedom is important, for everyone, though I think most people here do not understand fully what a gift it is. What business is it who one loves? Certainly not the State's, nor anyone else's."

"It is just - in some ways, I think it is more difficult to love, or to feel something for a man than a woman. There is much more at stake."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"The freedom here is incredible. I am thankful for it every day." Melchior's head tilts again; he's already sure he disagrees with Toly, but he wants clarification before he launches into any sort of speech. "What do you mean by that?"

[chesspolitik]

"Friendship," he answered immediately. "What if one person feels very strongly for his friend and tells him, only to find that his feelings aren't reciprocated? What then? A good, strong friendship is lost."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"How is that at all different from a friendship between a man and a woman? A man can develop feelings for a woman he is friends with as easily as a woman can for a man. Their friendship would equally be at risk," Melchior counters.

"Besides that, if enough feelings developed then the friendship would already have changed from something simple to something more complex. The next step would be to weigh the friendship against the possibility of a relationship. If the desire for a relationship outweighs friendship, then it would be worth the risk, would it not?"

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly couldn't deny that Melchior had a point. Several of them, in fact. "Perhaps, but what if the friendship can't be saved? It would have been better to say nothing at all, and hope the feeling passed."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

"And if the feeling does not pass? What then?" Melchior shakes his head. "There are no guarantees in either direction, to tell or not to tell, just degrees of frustration until something is done about it."

He doesn't really like hearing these things himself; he wonders how Moritz would feel if he heard them. What if they break up? Have a falling out? It's hard to imagine life without Moritz again; it's bleak and empty and cold and Melchior doesn't want to go back there.

"There comes a point when it must become a relationship in order to save the friendship." He hesitates a moment, then sighs softly. "Trust me, I know."

[chesspolitik]

Anatoly's method of dealing with uncomfortable situations as these had always been to simply ignore it until it resolved itself or went away, but he was finding that it would not be so easy this time.

"You are lucky," Anatoly said after a long while. "Moritz feels the same way you do."

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

Aha. Melchior looks up at Anatoly, watching him. "And how do you know your friend does not?"

He wonders if this was what Moritz was like, all that time back home, before he killed himself. Did he think in this way? Did he talk himself out of confessing over and over until he had no other way out? And here, after he kissed Melchior during their fight, what did he think Melchior would do? What could he have expected? Melchior bites his lip, his enjoyment in helping Anatoly with his problem waning.

"He may be as timid about acting on it as you are."

[chesspolitik]

"I don't know," Anatoly was forced to admit. "But I don't know that he does either, and I do not want to ask, in case the question should offend him. And if I am completely honest, I do not know that a relationship would do either of us any good. I do not do so well in those as I do in chess. It might be better to simply stay friends. I will not hurt him, that way."

And Anatoly would not be hurt in return.

[nokeystomysoul.livejournal.com]

Melchior takes a moment to reply; if this had been any other situation, if he had had any other thoughts running through his mind at that moment in time, maybe he would have responded right away with an eager, assured response, a solid argument, maybe pulled out of his ass but defensible, reasonable.

As it is, he stares past Anatoly's shoulder for a moment before bringing his eyes, carefully, back to rest on Anatoly's.

"If there is one thing I have learned it is that feelings are not as easy to ignore or control as they should be. What you say is reasonable, but obviously it does not match your feelings, otherwise you would not be having any problems."

He takes a moment to consider his next words, wanting to choose them carefully, not wanting to steer Anatoly wrong. Somehow this is more important now than it had been from the start.

"If he does feel this way, perhaps you are hurting him. Perhaps he thinks you do not return his feelings. That is just as likely, is it not? And you cannot get better at anything until you practice."

Sighing quickly, he continues. "I am not saying you should run out and confess to him right now, but I am saying that you should not rule it out. Think on it some more. But know that leaving it bottled up will cause an explosion. I can promise you that."